he's something...

Chuck was carrying her around the house, upside down for extra fun. She saw one of her toys on the dresser.

"Dad, Dad! I need my suitcase!"

It seems she expected him to just hand it to her; but when he instead lifted her inverted self over it so she could grab it, she exclaimed, "Wow Dad, you're a genius!"

winter's still here.

"Mama, it's a hard day."

Why is it a hard day?

"I want to be over in the backyard."

That's why it's a hard day?

"Yes. I want to be making snowmans... ooooorrr building snowforks... oooooorrrrr at the playground... oooooorrr... maybe at the jungle."

not a personal shopper

Tomorrow we find out if the baby/kitten in my stomach is a boy or a girl. We have tried to make this a "big sister" kind of event for her since she has shown about zero interest in the process. I was telling her tonight all about how, after we go to the doctor and get pictures of the baby, she will get to pick out a present just for the baby, and she will get to do it all by herself. She was excited at the prospect.

She said, "I know! I know what to get the baby!"

It took a while of her explaining with hints, but she finally told me. She wanted to get the baby "a very, very loud horn." One that goes [really awful toddler-produced air horn noise here].

Cough. I told her that I don't think babies like very, very loud horns.

She put her thumbs to her shoulders and said in a sing-songy voice, "No, but giiiiirrrllls do!"

guessing games

When I picked her up at preschool, she didn't want to come home. I had to tell her that I'd gone to the grocery store and bought some of her favorite things. Then she was suddenly willing to leave class. On the way to the car, we had this conversation.

Caroline: Did you get me a special treat at the grocery store?
Mama: Yes, I did.
C: What is it?
M: Well it's a surprise, you will see!
C: Is it a heart treat?
M: Hmm, no, not a heart treat.
C: Is it a lollipop?
M: Nope, not a lollipop.
C: Is it a bavotic treat?
M: I am not even sure what a bavotic treat is. What is bavotic?
C: You know, like a bavotic animal.
M: Ooooh, do you mean "exotic"?
C: Yeah, you know. Like bavotic animals from Africa.
M: Nope, I didn't get you an exotic animal from Africa at the grocery store.
C: Maybe a popsicle then.

when dad teaches vocab

I was on the phone in the kitchen and making her lunch when she walked in and announced, "Mama, I just took a header."

unwelcome visitor

"Mama! I have a boogie in my nose!"

I went to get a tissue and started towards her, as she scrunched her face desperately.

Suddenly she looked relieved and said, "Oh, it's coming down to see us."

naptime means sleep

I left her in her room for her daily nap. Twenty minutes into it, I hear "Help! Help! Help me please! Help!"

She is not one to cry wolf, so I ran up the stairs trying to imagine what she could have gotten herself into.

She was sitting in her bed, wearing her Dora life jacket... and struggling to clip the fasteners.

She looked up. "I'm not very good at this. I think I need some help."

invincible stall tactics

She's got a new obsession with bouncing in the desk chair and listening to her itunes playlist. She will sit there for a very long time. And she's happiest if you sit across from her and watch her bounce and sing. So she is very good at trying to prevent you from leaving. Today she could sense that I was getting a little yawnzy watching this routine after about 25 minutes. I started to stir. She took action.

"Hey Mama, what do the black words on that picture say?" She was referring to a vintage monster movie poster hanging on the wall.

I dryly read. "It says, 'Invincible. Indestructible. What was this beast born fifty million years out of time?'"

She put on her best preschool teacher voice and very earnestly enthused while clapping, "That's great! Just great! Good job reading, Mama! Congratulations!"

rehearsal

She practically skipped into the room and then struck an awkward, dramatic sad pose, with her chin resting on her hand. She was frowning pretty hard. I tried not to laugh.

I asked, "Why so glum, chum?"

She answered, "I'm just so very glum because I don't even know what a chum is."

hrh

She has a $1 bin Target tiara that she calls her "crown" and wants to wear at all times right now. The thing is glued back together about 3x per day.

She put it on tonight after the glue once again dried, and she wanted to check her look in the mirror.

I went to pick her up so she could see. She told me, "Now be careful. I'm verrrrry very delicate."

3 out of 4

"Mama, why is my playdoh all scratchy and fuzzy and stuff?"

Because you left it out.

"Mama, why is my toast in Reuben's belly?"

Because you left it out.

"Mama, I can't find my crown everywhere! Why can't I find it? "

Because you left it out.

"Mama, why can't I walk to outer space?"

Can't help you there.

not what we're going for

She threw on what she usually calls her "jaunty scarf" and went to look in the mirror. She ran back into her bedroom and showed me her style.

"I look so saucy!"

ecosystems collide

I was told this story on the way to preschool this morning. I kept repeating it to her and in my head to memorize it, so this delayed transcription is really close to the real deal. Please note: This was before the sugar rush of Valentine's candy.

"Hey Mama. Once I was on a very tall mountain. With Bijoux [our cat]. We were very high in the sky. But she rolled down the mountain, and slid down the mountain, and I saved her. We went back up to the top of the mountain. This was in the rain forest. We were looking at all the animals. We were looking at all the animals on safari. It was a fun safari. But then Bijoux wanted to go home for some cat food and french fries. And I said 'Aww Beej!' but I came home with her, and we slid down the mountain and it was really fun."

yes, boss

"Mama! MAMA! Don't sing too. I'm trying to hear my voice. It's in my mouth, but I can't hear it because you are just too loud."

subtle recommendation

A few weeks ago, I was laying on the couch in a gestational malaise.

Caroline: You don't feel well, Mama?

Mama: No, my stomach is very upset.

C: Because of the baby in your stomach?

M: Yep, the baby makes me kind of sick.

C: Maybe you should get a kitten in your tummy instead.

art crit/self crit

She was painting a portrait of Olivia the pig. She declared that "painting Olivia is not very easy." There was a squiggle over the eye, and I complimented it.

She made a psht sound and said, "It kind of looks like a tuba."

i've loved her more.

Caroline: Ooooh MaMAAAAA. I've got a surrrrpriiiiise for yooou!

Mama: Oh! What is it?!

Caroline: It's..... a...... pooooooop!

i've never loved her more

We saw a commercial for this Dora-gone-tween product, where a magic water wand puts makeup and colored streaks all over the previously toddlerific Dora's head.



I cringed and braced for the worst as I waited for her response.

"Mama, that's kind of cheesy."

5 dolla, no holla

She doesn't like me this morning either. I just overheard her talking to Chuck.

Chuck: Why don't you go downstairs with Mama? I am trying to get ready for work, so I can't help you right now.

Caroline: I don't like Mama.

Chuck: Why don't you like Mama?

Caroline: She's... She's too expensive!

anger orange

She woke up from her nap pretty crabby. She said to me, very matter of factly, "I don't think I like you, Mama."

I told her that this news was disappointing and asked her why she didn't like me (especially interested because I had done nothing to get on her bad side).

"Well. You're wearing an orange shirt."

problem solver

Yesterday, we lost power for 6 hours. She was napping during the first hour, so when she woke up, I told her that we had no electricity.

Caroline: We DO have 'lectricity!
Mama: No, sweet pea, the power went out.
C: Let me take a look.

She didn't believe me. She marched right into our bedroom and tried to turn on the tv. When nothing happened, she gasped and her hands flew to her face as if it was the worst news in the world.

M: Yeah, there is no power. But they are working on fixing it.
C: There is NO POWER?!
M: Nope. No music. No tv. No toast. We will just have to read books or play.
C: I know what to do. I know who can fix it.
M: Who?
C: We should call the GARBAGE MAN!
M: Oh the garbage man, huh?
C: Yeah. He would help us. He's a good man.

the doolittle theme continues

She was kneeling on the ottoman of our dog Reuben's leather club chair, trying to engage him in conversation.

"Ruff ruff. Rrrrrrrufff! Reuben, I am talking to you. Ruff ruffffffff! [pause, waiting for a reply] Hey! I am talking Dog so you can un'nerstand me! RUFFFFFFFFF!"

Reuben is 50% dog, 50% Walter Matthau, so he did his patented grumbly sigh.

"What's-a matter? I mean 'What's-a ruff?' -- did you hurt yourself boy? Are you sad because you hurt yourself? Maybe your foot? Your ruffffff?"

She waited again for a response, and all she got was an awkward moment where a old man dog avoided eye contact and silently wished for peace.

The unthinkable happened. She gave up.

"Well it was good to see you, Reuben. Be careful with that foot."

cat whisperer

"Mama, cats don't talk with real words. They say 'meow' but it sounds like 'mrrrrow' and not 'me-yow'."

I affirmed her point. She continued.

"Sometimes when I talk to the kitties, I use real words and they say 'mrrrow' and I say, 'If you say so, guys!'"

sporty priorities

She was kicking her pink patent leather soccer ball to me, and I was rolling it back.

Mama: Wow, you are a superstar kicker!

Caroline: Yeah!

M: You're a soccer monster!

C: Nooo, I'm not a monster.

M: No? Not even a soccer monster?

C: Well, maybe if the monster is cute...