this lil ole thing?

Caroline's self-styled hairdo was featuring a red bow with a Santa face in the center. I asked her what was in her hair. She got all faux demure and said with a wave of her hand, "Oh, this? Oh, it's just for extra beauty."

a friend from a previous life

I asked Caroline what words she spelled today at school.

"Bug. Buh-uh-guh. B-u-g. I saw a dead one too. A really creepy dead bug. And it was like it recognized me."

I paused to parse this when she saved me the trouble.

"Well, if I knew what 'recognized' means."

animal doctors/survivors of war

It is only funny because we all survived.

Imagine, if you will, a noise that sounds like a golf ball in a blender. A bizarre banging. A ridiculously fast banging. Imagine that sound flying around your house for about 30 seconds before a very cute calico cat tumbles by you doing airborne donuts and the kinds of acrobatics reserved for cartoon characters. You try to catch her to see what in the Sam H-e-l-l is going on. And you notice there is a plastic tray full of industrial strength adhesive stuck to her hind foot. A glue trap is stuck to her foot. A glue trap full of dead bugs, along with cat foot, since we have not had a mouse in our basement for quite some time (and never caught one with those stupid things anyway).

My mind was racing. How do you beat the kind of glue meant for this purpose? Are they going to have to amputate her foot? If I let go of her, is she going to rip the pads off her own paw? Home alone with a then-pantless 3 year old and a [tough] baby, it's not like I could have loaded her up and gone to the vet. So I held her still, as best I could, and tried to wrap her trap/paw in plastic to prevent additional appendages getting stuck. This plan failed miserably, and I was bleeding. So Caroline decides we are going to figure this out, and as I held a freaked out cat flat to our counter, she pulled up a stool. "Hi, honey. It's going to be ok!" Sweet, right? I yelled at her to get back, afraid she would get clawed or bitten by a scared cat. Good move, Mom.

I got my wits about me and figured out that oil and adhesives are not friends. So I carried the cat and her trap/foot from one spot to another, getting clawed all the while, and got a bottle of olive oil (EVOO!) and tried to get the cat in the sink so I could pour it on her foot. This attempt at sinkification resulted in a fat lip (for me).

Things were getting hairy, so I sent Caroline on a task I'd hoped would take a few minutes -- "Bring me a towel, please!" She told Lucci Cat not to worry, that she'd be right back. It took her about 10 seconds. I was pouring oil all over the trap, the foot, my kitchen. I could see the ugly skeletal structure of her paw with the fur all minimized and soaked. I attempted to wrap her in the towel to keep her from flinging oil all over the place as she flicked her leg, and I massaged her foot and poured on even more oil. She took a grand leap, trying to escape from the towel and my grasp... and she got away. Mid-air, I noticed the trap flying off her foot. I gasped.

Caroline whooped and hollered, "High five! We're vets!"

she said it was because i am "long"

I was lying in bed, flat on my back with my arms at my side. Caroline walked in and saw me and stopped. "Oh Mama, you look like a sausage. A sausage with hands."

i have been Told

During the morning rush routine, I found globs of dried toothpaste on her arm, forehead, and in her hair. I was exasperated and said, "I don't know how in the world you manage to do these things!"

"Well, Mama, I guess you have a poor imagination."

random question of the morning

"Do fairies have gills like fish?"

liberace meets tony robbins

Caroline was rushing around, putting on lots of sparkly accessories. She ran into the room where I was sitting and jumped in front of the full length mirror. She stood up, put her chest out and shoulders back, straightened her dress, smoothed her hair, and looked herself in the mirror with an intense and steely gaze.

"I have enough glitter. Nothing can stop me now."

is this like term limits?

Mama: Caroline, you need to stop the whining now. If you don't stop, you will have to take a nap because I cannot listen to this all day.

Caroline: I'm not going to be like this all day. I just need 20 more minutes to be impossible.

new and improved bedside manner

She was being Dr. Caroline and wanted to check out her dad's heart. She leaned in to his chest for a listen. All was still and quiet for about 20 seconds as she observed his heartbeat. Then she bolted upright and exclaimed, "Wow, Daddy, you're really great at these things!"

little white mustache

"I'm obsessed with milk. I love it. It's my favorite drink. It's so cold and delicious... which is why I'm obsessed. Also obsessed because it is healthy and has cute little proteins."

attentive older sister

I was strapping her into her car seat when she informed me, "Little Trouble over there has a boogie. It's big, and it's green."

grab bag of weird

I am eavesdropping while she is in the bath with some toys -- the boobless Barbies, a pony or two, and some random other junk.

"So, that's your boyfriend? Wait, he's your brother too??"

"This is my unicorn. She's got special powers. She also has a very sharp horn, so don't cross her."

"I can't see. Well, I can't hear. Well, I can't talk. We're in serious trouble. We'd better get a ninja."

"Girls, girls, girls. We can play with our nail cuttings later."

an illusion i hold dear

I asked her to wash her face before school.

"Okay boss!" Then she giggled. "I like to call you boss, Mama. It's like pretending you're in charge."

to my teachers, with love

I always take dictated notes to put in cards from her to others. We were writing our Valentine's Day notes to her teachers, and this is what she said:

M_____,
I love you very much. I love hearts, too -- especially the floatish ones. But I love you a little bit more than hearts. [air kiss]
Love, Caroline

And to the assistant teacher, she wrote:

K______,
Well. I'm a great lover*. And I love you. It's true. I can't put my stuff together sometimes, and I love your help, too.
Love, Caroline

And yeah, for the first time in dictated note history, I edited.


[*she meant that totally literally and innocently. she loves to love.]

her ego will keep her warm

It's a Snow Day today. School is canceled. I shared the news with Caroline, and she immediately looked a little concerned.

"Wow. No school today? Arden is really going to miss me. But she'll be ok. She's strong."

accuracy check

Both Caroline and Sylvie have been sick with minor colds, and neither girl is her normal self. I picked up Caroline from school today, and she was in a mood about how I couldn't take her Valentine's Day project home since the glue was all wet. So she was cranking about that as I strapped her into her car seat, and Sylvie was wailing about something in her car seat, and I said, "Wow, I have two cranky grumps today. Lucky me."

Caroline stopped her complaining and said, "Well, actually, I am not grumpy. I am really whiny."

i've heard that one before

I walked down the stairs to where Caroline was playing, and she abruptly told me "I love you."

I raised an eyebrow and asked why she loved me.

"Look, I just love you. Trust my love."

escalation of needs

Elapsed time: 2 minutes, 27 seconds. I counted.

1. "Could you please bring me a banana, if you could be so kind?"

2. "I am really, really hungry."

3. "My stomach. It is rumbling. It is rumbling a lot. I have a rumble right now. Can you hear it?"

4. "I think I might be starving, Mom."

5. [lying flat across the table, groaning quietly.]

smelly air quotes

Bedtime stall action, take 412.

Caroline: [from the hall] Mama, can I talk to you?

Mama: Caroline, you need to be in bed. What's the problem?

Caroline: I think I really have a stomach ache. A bad one.

Mama: What makes you think you have a stomach ache?

Caroline: [very gravely] Well, it's what they call "gas."*


*with finger quotes

a 20% gratuity will be added to your check

I asked Caroline if she wanted half a sandwich, vegetable soup, and a banana for lunch.

"Sandwich. Soup. Banana." She paused to think. "Yes, that would be my order, dear."

trouble

I said, "Ok, so now you understand why that was a bad choice. Maybe you should say you are sorry."

She grimaced and put up her palms in a shrug.

"I'm waiting!" I told her.

She nodded and said, "Well, I'm willing to be sorry. So that's a start."