Monday, September 28, 2009

that was rhetorical

There was a sleeping [cranktastic] baby in a swing a mere four feet away from a rambunctious Caroline, who was "filling a bucket with love and happy thoughts." Love and happy thoughts are LOUD, apparently.

After reminding her repeatedly that if Lil Screamy* woke up, we'd all pay for it, I exclaimed, "How many times do I have to ask you to be quiet?!"

She whipped her head around and said very earnestly with big eyes and a nod, "A lot!"

* Lil Screamy is a title Sylvie has earned. We use it with love. Most of the time.

not even if she could dip them in honey

After hearing a reference to lady fingers (the cookies):

"Lady fingers?! I don't like lady fingers. They are way too bony and and a little too crunchy."

No dear, they're cookies, not really fingers.

"Do they have lady fingernails?"

No, they are really cookies.

"I think I'm still not a fan."

Sunday, September 27, 2009

impolite treading

We pulled up to a store and hopped out of the car. Caroline stood at the side of the car, waiting for me. We began to walk. She stood still and said, "Mama. MOM." I turned around and inquired about the hold up. She gave me a disapproving look and motioned at the car's tires. "Mom, your wheels are kind of pretty dirty. That's really rude."

Friday, September 25, 2009

what goes around comes around

Yesterday was a Bad Day®. Like the kind of Bad Day® where everyone in the house is just impossible and miserable and under-rested. Caroline was feeling a bit under the weather and I was feeling like loading up baby sister and getting us all ready might send me to the loony bin, so she stayed home from preschool. And by "stayed home from preschool," I mean "drove her mother absolutely insane to the point of actually considering walking out and never coming home."

I'd fished an intact roll of toilet paper out of the toilet, argued with her for two hours on why she needed to nap and how naps are not naps if you take them standing up with your eyes open, had a conversation about where it's ok and not ok to pee (note: she says it's not ok to pee on the roof or in the sky), etc. So when she was still being difficult about something I can't remember, well, I pulled the pointless and useless "I am the mom so I am the boss" card.

She countered with, "Well I am a big girl, so I can make some rules."

I told her, "I am a bigger girl and I'm the mom and I'm in charge."

She grimaced and groaned and bent over and gave me the evilest look she could conjure up and said, "Mother, you are STRETCHING ME OUT!"

Thursday, September 24, 2009

take that, amish ladies

It was one of those blissful moments of peace that come when all children are sleeping. The silence was interrupted.

"Maaamaaaa! MAMAAAA!!!!"

I quickly walked into Caroline's room and asked what was wrong. She sat up, groggy.

"I don't like quilts!"

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

awwww. wait a minute...

"Mom, I love you. I really mean it this time."

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

master of diversion

Cynthia the superhero ninja spy. That is what she's calling herself today. And her superhero ninja spy techniques are astounding!

She walked into the room carrying a bunch of stuff from an off-limits drawer. Keys to the buffet where booze is kept, our checkbook, non-washable markers. Serious stuff.

"What are you doing, Caroline?"

"You mean 'Cynthia the superhero ninja spy.'"

"Yeah. What are you doing?"

"Oh I just grabbed some things from a drawer and I wasn't sneaking or anything. It's not like I was sneaking them since I brought them into here. Where you are. I wasn't sneaking, actually. Hey. You have a boogie in your nose!"

And then she ran from the room with her forbidden loot.

Monday, September 21, 2009

job security

Chuck was saying goodnight to Caroline, who had already been tucked in.

He gave her a kiss and she shot him the finger pistol and said, "I think I'll keep ya, Dad."

Friday, September 18, 2009

fashion is not painless

Caroline walked in holding a pair of my heels. She asked if she could wear them to school today. I noted that it probably wasn't a good idea, since she couldn't skip, hop, or run in them.

She was not swayed. She gave me her patented stupid-mom face with earnestness while she nodded and said, "Actually, I think they're pretty practible."

Monday, September 14, 2009

moving tribute to raisins

She was eating her 14th handful of Trader Joe's Thompson Seedless Raisins, and I advised her that she was going to have some gastro-intestinal distress if she didn't ease up.

Raisins fell out of her mouth as she garbled, "Hey, a little extra poop is ok with me!"

Friday, September 11, 2009

lesson in gravity

After dinner, she was hanging upside down from the living room chairs and giggling away. She suddenly flipped off to the floor, stood up, gulped, and winced.

She brushed the hair from her forehead and said, "Phew. I had a little urpage that time."

Thursday, September 10, 2009

i think i'll pass

"Mom, do you want to be Barbie? You know, the one with the boobs that I saw at that party?"

Saturday, September 5, 2009

you may call her godzilla

Caroline has a pesky habit of getting into everything when she's feeling under the weather. We've all had a light cold this week, so the distracted-with-baby-sister mother and the cold-induced orneriness have combined in an unreal way.

I went into her room and saw the contents of her drawers lined up in rows on every surface. It was a disaster. I sighed.

"I was just counting things, Mom."

I said nothing and just shook my head.

"What? Is it destroyed, Mom?"

I nodded.

"Mom, did I destroy the world?"

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

reality bites

Today, Someone decided that naps were overrated. Someone also decided that listening to Mom was overrated. And Someone thought that sneaking out of one's room 5000 times is seriously underrated.

And so Someone is not going to the park today.

I explained this to her as matter-of-factly as possible.

Mama: No, you are not going to the park today because you made bad choices.

Caroline: Like getting out of bed?

M: Yes. And there are consequences to that. So no park.

C: What are consequences?

M: They are the things that happen after you make choices. If you make good choices, there are good consequences. If you make bad choices, there are bad consequences... like not going to the park when you don't take a nap and don't listen to your parents.

C: Man, that is a really bad deal.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

rudeness to the max

I was attempting to help Caroline into her clothes, but she was attempting to ask me about a book that was on her shelf.

Caroline: Mama, what is that turt-

Mama: Caroline, focus on what we're doing here.

C: But Mama, I jus-

Mama: Let's get this finished and then I will help you.

C: [angrily] MAMA. You keep getting into my words!

Mama: You mean "You are interrupting me."

C: Yes. You're so totally right.